Bound by the cuffs

I have lost over 13 pounds in 5 days. Hooray, right? Well, to listen to me this morning, not ENTIRELY… I’ll explain why.

I have always been inclined towards doing things myself. Even as a kid, I remember Mom telling me that I didn’t need to re-invent the wheel, when taking on something new to me. I would usually roll my eyes internally and tell myself that it’s best to learn things from the ground up, learn how to do it ALL myself, in order to have the best finished product I could — and if that meant not re-using what others had done before, then sobeit.

I had very good grades in high school, and with my second college degree (in accounting — more on that later), I was one B shy of a 4.0 — I took great personal pride (note: not necessarily satisfaction, but pride for sure) in knowing that I rolled in at age 34 and graduated 13th among my peers of a few thousand, for the semester in the whole business school, in what was regarded as one of the toughest degree plans in the college.

Following graduation, I was significantly bummed when the top-tier audit firms took a pass on me, and I landed at “only” the 5th largest. I got over that once work began, and dug in. Marriage followed the first busy season, and then passing the CPA exam – failed the first section the first time (by 2 points — bummed again) and then passed all 4 on the first try through a LOT of digging in and hard work. Then pregnancy by the time I was a senior, and motherhood. Life was busy… and I was stressing, more than usual.

Somewhere in there a few months after having Ivy, a little light went off in my head about a personal trait I’d never considered before: perfectionism.

Here, which one do you think is a perfectionist?

Actually, that’s a trick question. While one may look at a barbie-doll type A and think “Yup, perfectionist!” that may or may not be true. I’d even wager to say that person is NOT a perfectionist. Look at an average joe or someone who even seems kind of slow to get moving on stuff or vaguely lazy, and that’s more likely your pefectionist. The Perfect Person is probably actually more balanced than a perfectionist and probably may not have as much self-pressure to meet lofty goals, as well.

“Huh? That doesn’t make sense!” you say.

Well, perfectionism is an identity issue where reality and expectations are so far apart that reconciling the difference can often lead to self-defeated attitudes, and the idea that “I can’t possibly do it `right’, so why bother even trying?” That’s one way it comes out, and it is definitely something I have and do still struggle with. Another manifestation is that common adage of “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself!” — or, more basically, “Nobody else will do it the way I believe to be correct.” I do that as well — delegating is not something I do too often, or with much “success” (from my point of view).

So, perfectionism. It’s entirely destination-oriented, rather than trip-oriented. I love road trips. What motivates me to take them has changed over the years, and more recently I’ve forced myself to understand that getting there really IS half the fun. When I was a kid, I used to “plan” family trips to Galveston for some crabbing. Galveston was 75 miles away. Oh how cute, look at the 8 year old reading maps. Except I wasn’t READING maps, I was studying them. I was making sure that *I* knew where every gas station was along I-45, in case we needed it. I was calling to ask Denny’s what time they opened so that we could have breakfast along the way. I was listening to Marine-band radio broadcasts to find out what the waters were doing, when the tides were in and out and what kinds of catches had been made at the Flagship Peahead in the past 2 days.

I wanted to know – know, know, know – before even setting food out the door. I wanted no seashell unturned, no “surprises” upon arrival, to just show up on the beaches and see EXACTLY what I had learned would be there. I wanted it perfect, and I was always disappointed. No matter how much or how hard I planned, something may change. A sibling may be slow getting out of bed, so we were late and missed a good tide. The KFC on the island may be out of the original recipe chicken, which is better for crabbing. The fishing reports might just be off, or there may be a traffic jam, etc. All those variances from the tidy neat little plan I had drawn up spelled one word in my head, when they surfaced: “RUINED.” I made it impossible for me to enjoy the trip, when I was entirely focused on getting to the finish line.

This, at age 8. Ugh.

Over time, this constant disappointment (in myself, in results, in non-cut-and-dried activities) lead me to start thinking “eh, don’t bother.” And that manifest in its own set of bad ways. I started gaining weight in college. My first two years at UT I totally blew off grades and was on the brink of being kicked out. I never dated (fear of rejection, anyone?), I made only safe, comfortable, familiar choices (lack of growth, anyone?) and never strayed far from averages or a certain range of activities and experiences where it’s a pretty safe bet what you can expect to happen. Life became a routine. A rut. Just … easy. But devoid of substance or challenge or growth or anything healthy, really.

This continued for quite awhile. Honestly, until after Ivy was born. I could put on a chirpy, happy, supporting, upbeat face for anyone around me, but if it came to focusing on ME… well, I already “knew” I would disappoint, so I would avoid and deflect and self-efface with tremendous ease. That lead folks to even quit trying with me, and left me scratching my head about why nobody seemed to want to do stuff with me. See the ridiculous cycle? Striving for impossibly-high goals and not being able to appreciate the steps taken go get there lead to pretty low self-esteem.

It wasn’t until Ivy showed up that that began to change, for real.

My job as an auditor was tailor made for perfectionists… except for the issue of deadlines. I got to work with numbers and complex problems (us perfectionists like puzzles — they imply that a problem can be SOLVED and that there’s a SINGLE RIGHT WAY to do it, and that you will KNOW when you see it completed) and even a good amount of people time (the extrovert in me likes that). Personal bonus, I got to travel quite a bit.

My enjoyment of work, though, started to break down after I was promoted to being in a position of “in-charge.” I found that I didn’t trust the less experienced co-workers assigned to audits with me to get the work done correctly. I had excelled the first two busy season, and expected others to, as well. So, I would often “give them a break” thinking they didn’t get it, and then take on the work of fixing their green mistakes myself, so that the end product looked good and was more timely. I was taking on THEIR work on top of my own, and robbing THEM of learning. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

Even as detailed as I am, I do have my saturation points, and after about 3.5 years in auditing, including 1.5 as an in-charge, I was feeling totally wrung out. And starting to hate my job. And resent those around me, including clients. This, of course, affected my performance, which in-turn affected my self-perception (went from a star, to just average, in reviews). All because I couldn’t let others learn their way, I couldn’t delegate… that recording of “if you want it done right…” was playing in my head, and because I’m NOT the superhuman I was striving to be, I could NOT “do it all myself.” I started thinking I would be let go at any time.

Add to this, having a newborn at home and a husband who desperately wanted me to grow and improve, like any normal person would and does. I took that as nothing but criticism and a message of “you’re not good enough.” This, frankly, was depressing. I began wanting to do nothing but sleep when I got home, BUT… as Ivy started developing a personality, I started daydreaming about how to make her life great and provide her with all the foundations and tools she needed to succeed in whatever she was bound for.

That’s when the light went on — for some reason my perfectionism was NOT aimed at her. There was a protective shield around her where I did not feel like I needed to take something she was trying to learn how to do, and do it “right” to show her how it’s done. I was letting her learn on her own — mistakes, bumps, bruises, laughter, learning and all. Once I noticed that I started to wonder why this was different, and with a little searching, I finally found the label of that P word for my outlook.

I can’t tell you what a huge relief this was, to gain that kind of understanding about one’s self. Remember how I said I would deflect on any self-growth? That also meant I was not learning about myself, either. And boy is that one form of suicide — kills growth and evolving and improvement. May as well fall on a sword, so to speak.

So, what’s changed since this realization came upon me? Well, quite a few things.

I no longer take criticism or urges to change as rejection of who I am. I realize they are previews of who I can become.
I will ease up on planning, and GO.
I’ll let others handle the details, and try to hang back in more of an overseer position.
When I screw up, the first thing in my head isn’t always “they think I’m an idiot and I’m going to be fired” (sometimes, but not always).
I don’t feel quite as overwhelmed in general because I am not trying to do it all.
I enjoy the milestones just as much as the destination (even if I never get “THERE”, wherever it is, eventually)

And most recently:
I can celebrate that I’ve lost 13.3 pounds in 5 days, even though the last day I gained half a pound.

If you’d like to see whether you have perfectionist tendencies there are lots of books out there, but the one I picked up was very eye-opening and felt like it was written for me, personally. It’s called “Overcoming Perfectionism; The key to a balanced recovery” by Ann Smith. Also, try taking this online quiz at Discovery Health’s website:

http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/questions/perfectionism_abridged_1.html

I scored an 81/100, which comes up as “you are bound by the cuffs of perfectionism.” Here is the full description, and most of it fits me to a T:

Perfectionism can be a healthy quality that drives a person to try his/her best and to make the effort to excel. Some people, however, take the strive for perfection too far…and there is a price to pay. Extreme perfectionists are forever dissatisfied; they can never fulfill their own expectations so, in their own eyes, they are always failures. Chronic perfectionism is driven by deep-seated feelings of inferiority and self-hate, and by nature it reinforces a negative self-image. Performing tasks or fulfilling goals becomes intimidating and unpleasant, since the perfectionist knows deep down that the finished product will never meet his/her expectations. So the perfectionist might have problems with procrastination. Perfectionism, then, can become a double-edged sword – the perfectionist is driven by a desire to succeed, as well as a fear of failure which leaves him/her paralyzed.

In all realms, striving for excellence can be beneficial and lead to a fulfilling professional and personal life. Accepting nothing less than excellence, on the other hand, can be emotionally scarring.

According to this test, you are bound by the cuffs of perfectionism. You set impossibly high standards that can never be met; either you impose those expectations on yourself, others, or a combination of the two. You may even believe that others expect you to be perfect. Whatever the case, this tendency is most likely making you suffer needlessly – whether you realize it or not. It’s time that you became aware of your perfectionist side and work on toning it down. While a desire to succeed and strive to reach your full potential can bring you personal fulfillment, you also have to learn when good is ‘good enough’. It’s important that you develop the ability to distinguish between reasonable aspirations or goals and unreasonable demands. When you set unattainable objectives, you are being cruel to yourself and denying yourself the rewards and self-acceptance that you deserve.

I am keenly aware of this now, and still struggle to deal with it, but as any multi-step program will rightly tell you, acknowledging the problem is the first step.

So how about you? Are you a perfectionist also?