The art of conversation

OK, so character issues are going to get pushed up closer to the top of the list (or at least have the dust blown off of them and get brought back into the light) now. Issue #1 for me: work on conversational skills.

There’s a difference between different modes of communication – written, verbal, visual, etc. – and even within those modes there are different settings and audiences and intended purposes of communication. One thing which I have occasionally confused is “language” and “communication.” Language is a set of tools, but communication… well, that’s a machine. It’s difficult to have a conversation or communication without language skills, but simply HAVING them doesn’t mean you converse or communicate well.

That’s what I’ve been told, and what I can accept having to work on.

I am learning at work, with this new job, that I can write an explanation that is perfectly valid, and absolutely correct, but unless the intended reader is of the same mindset and background, and is wanting the same type of information out of the explanation, it’s worthless. Many times my boss will scratch out what I wrote and comment with “good, but not useful.” So, back to the drawing board… and that’s not an easy thing for me to do, because in my mind I explained something perfectly fine… I just didn’t provide the insight and information needed, for the higher-ups who needed to get a summary of “what’s going on.” It would be like someone asking what’s going on — they want to hear “ah, taking a road trip” but instead I describe the mechanics of driving and explain how far it is until we need to stop for gas. Huh?

So, even though the language skills are clearly there, the means of putting them to use is not as well-developed. (Even J-school grads are susceptible to that flaw!)

The same is true with conversation, and I have the added bonus of crappy hearing… and I hate wearing my hearing aids. So…

I used to take a very adolescent male approach to conversation: sarcasm, shallow topics, fart jokes and the like. That’s decent enough if you are wanting to be seen as relatable by a 14-year-old boy, but that’s not really who I’m looking to connect with in any meaningful ways right now. So, I dropped most of that stuff, but haven’t replaced it with better.

Used to be I’d just take a spaghetti approach — talk and talk and talk and see what sticks as useful:

That’s a good way to kill any conversation, because one-way doesn’t hack it. Good way to bore or give headaches as well.

So, now I’m trying to figure out how to converse more like an adult. That may sound weird, considering I’m 40, but, well… it’s the truth of the matter. Tips are welcome. I’m starting to look around now and see what kinds of resources there are out there.