“Creative Writing/Fighting” or “Why nicey-nice sucky-sucks”

Holly used to have a major difficulties with conflict (as in avoiding it at all cost), but over the last 2-3 years I’ve seen Little Miss Nicey-nice learn to throw a few punches! She is rapidly getting better at dealing with conflicts and confrontations, as well as demanding to be treated with a little respect. Her background didn’t equip her with conflict or relationship management skills, so when conflicts would arise in our marriage she would do as she had been trained… avoid it. Usually that meant baking something delicious, procrastinating, dodging the issue, or if all else failed she’d retreat to a dark bedroom and sleep until the yuck went away. On this chart below, she’d be way down in the left corner trying to crawl off the map (while I can usually be found in the upper right collaboration corner).

But motherhood jolted her out of that comfort zone with 9 months of suffering. Then followed up by almost 3 years of non-stop demands from ‘la jeffa’ (the boss, a.k.a. Ivy). And then, of course, there is this husband who prefers to run TO conflict and surround himself with people who like to struggle, sweat, progress, and overcome. Eventually it all began to wear off on Holly and she got the message – it is time to toughen it up, Julio!

I’ve always told her that conflict is not a bad thing. It is just a natural and normal part of life. In fact, it can be creative and even fun – just like playing a sport. Imagine playing a sport where everyone was nicey-nice and no one ever scored because it might hurt the other guy’s feelings. How boring would that be? Conflict and Resistance are basic elements of any sporting encounter, and they are the basic fundamentals of any human relationship. That is what makes you to grow bigger, taller, and more healthy. Just like lifting weights and building muscle; you must contract that muscle and break out in a little sweat if you want to get stronger.

Well, one day Holly put her newly developed Creative Writing/Fighting skills to use as we threw some punches at each other in Facebook. A few years ago a conflict like this would have stopped her dead in her tracks like a deer in headlights. She just literally could not respond to conflict. But now she stood her ground and engaged in a little playful punching. We even got some spontaneous applause from onlookers when it was over!

This all started over some Tea in the fridge that I was not supposed to drink…

In the end, Holly simply bought more tea. Also, we invited the neighbor kids over to jump on the trampoline. And the refrigerator got cleaned. Plus, Holly agreed to loosen up on some of those complex, abstract, food-sharing rules that drive me up the wall. Everything resolved nicely.

Shortly afterward, I was thinking about this whole “Curse of the Nicey-Nice People” and decided to see what others had to say about it on the Internet. I came across the excellent article about Creative Writing and how nicey-nice is really just baddy-bad. The author is talking about writing, but I could easily see how the exact same truths apply to relationships. She says you should never be afraid to confront or engage in conflict because…

• It Causes Reaction – People become engaged. They’re not just a passive observer anymore, instead now they care. And that’s exactly the kind of reader every writer wants.
• Strong Opinions will make some people dislike you – But it will also bring out the people who looooove you. As mom always said: “You can’t make an omlette without breaking a few eggs.” Namby-pamby writing won’t offend anyone, but it won’t excite anyone either.
• When people read strong opinions, it forces them to think – Never underestimate the value of getting people to think – especially when they’re thinking about you.
• People who feel strongly will phone, write letters and send e-mail. And that’s the best thing of all, because suddenly, you’ve achieved interactivity, connection, and exchange. Engagement is the first stage of any relationship. It gives you something to build upon.
  

You can read the entire article here: “Is a Nicey-Nice Attitude Holding Back Your Copywriting?

In an interesting little twist, I sent that link to Holly one day and within minutes she wrote back saying, “”What interesting timing! Someone JUST wrote this to me on Facebook: Holly ‘Sommer’ Dutton, I was thinking about you in the shower (in the purest way possible) and I have to say you are the most argumentative person I’ve ever NOT met. And although I often have to agree to disagree with you, you make me think about your POV and I like and admire the fact that you stick to your guns and state what you believe. You add a lot to my FB experience.”

I’d like to think the timing of that compliment was more than just a coincidence, and instead there was little divine hand in sending that message at the perfect moment. Holly concluded, “Probably another example of skills I have that I need to ‘bring home’ more often. It’s weird to me to see others basically saying, “cool that you disagree and can argue.” Definiately not something I was raised with as praise-worthy.”

Yes, definitely praise worthy. Good job, my dear. You are getting stronger.